My Dialog About God

this past year i received an email plea from my mother. i don't have 100% recall about the context, but she pleaded that even tho she knew i no longer attended church, she was certain that i still believed in God and "couldn't i just do" such-and-such. i'm pretty sure it was to attend church for some holiday.

because the assertion was delivered via email, it was not necessary that i respond. she clings to the belief that i still believe in God and i'm in no rush to dispell that myth. but were i to be asked in person, i know i would have a hard time denying my beliefs. just as a Christian is instructed to not forsake their belief, their God. were i to deny my beliefs i would truly be declaring a "false God".

as i face a visit with my family in june, i inevitably day-dream about potential conversations. i like to be prepared. with a matter as important as this i want to be able to intelligently articulate my position. i have an internal dialog, but i want to be sure i possess what equates to my spiritual "talking points". is that crazy?

so i decided to attempt to document this. i'll be working on this entry and will try to post it soon. insha allah.

oui, si....yes

aparently i have 2 language settings: speaking english and speaking "something else". that something else is determined by where i last vacationed, so currently i can only speak french when i determine that english is not the language being spoken. and it's compulsive. that's not to say i can speak french but i'm talking about the basics like yes, no, how-much and can-i-have-the-check. those are the words that are formed instinctually

so today is when it struck me that i have no ability to assess the language needs of those with whom i am interacting. as i entered my building i was confronted by several asian, non-english speaking folk looking for the on-site property manager. they pointed to an envelope with the name and address and because i knew his office was inside the building they were having problems accessing, i wanted to indicate that "yes - i will take you inside to the office". the central part of that statement being "YES".

and this is where, while fumbling with my keys, i fumbled verbally..."oui...si.....yes" even though clearly none of those languages was ideal. i should have reverted to my default setting of english - but that didn't happen. all i knew was that english wasn't being spoken and out spouted the "oui".

how wonderful it would be to be seriously multi-lingual. but for now i fumble with what i got and can only take comfort in the fact that i try.

TOUBAB!

funny story. this pic was taken in the fishing village of Toubab Dialao on the coast south of Dakar. as i walked alone down to the village fishing beach i was surrounded by children shouting "toubab!". i totally knew this meant "white person" but somehow filtered out this fact and attributed it to "hometown pride". hehe.
toubab, from what i hear, is the word for doctor and is of arabic origins. it is used thoughout west africa to describe a white person. much like mazungu in east africa. it's always kinda good to know that stuff when one travels. and good to ignore it occasionally as well :)

wondering...

...how yesterday's post about bbq morphed into a ramble about the absence of a "vested" relationship in my life. some of it had to do with a visit with a friend who is going thru a nasty divorce and is in complete denial. i talked to her about solo travel and it prompted me to extoll the virtues of these adventures. and all the while i am preparing myself for my biggest solo venture to date. it will be divulged over the coming months, but i suppose i'm trying to convince myself as much as anyone else that this is a reasonable thing to do! and i must admit that it demands my attention for one big reason: so much is riding on my departure from the day to day world i know so well now. unwisely, i'm sure, i've identified this as some opportunity to transform my life. but deep down i know these drastic changes, like my move from TX to CA, often result in fewer changes than one anticipates. either way, i hope it will be a wonderful escape.

Captain

i can hardly keep from smiling when i see this pic, so this is what i am ending the evening with. this was our able captain in cap skirring. he navigated the mangrove swamps with skill. eventually i will have his deats on my virtual tourist site. see link at right.

lone cap skirring cow - making the trip to the beach, as the flies are not there during the day.

a treasure recovered

i'm a big believer in simple pleasures. for years i found pleasure in cooking over a fire. i'd come home after work, light a small charcoal fire, and cook up my dinner on the back porch. one of the few losses i suffered when i moved to CA was the space in which to do this. but i'd noticed a small grill on the front fire escape...undisrupted...and figured i could do the same on my even wider back stoop. so after a very hot week in the bay area i was incented to find a way to cook my dinner and keep my kitchen cool.

i bought a portable grill and acquired a small second-hand table from a&b to make my set-up complete. a charcoal grill - to be clear- as this is the only self-respecting way to grill. i did a decent job stacking and lighting the coals considering how long it's been. the skewered shrimp and yellow squash were as good as i'd thought they would be and lo and behold it satisfied something deep inside of me. i was in the fresh air, blowing on the coals, looking out at lake merritt.

but just now it struck me: god i miss my backyard in new braunfels. it was a stunningly natural spot. birds en route to points south during the seasonal migrations found it attractive, the neighbor's roosters poked around back there, the slope to the house and railroad track below was covered with wild chili-pequeno and any other plant ready to grip the unwatered hill. oh my it was lovely.

well, something has been awakened in me. it will be interesting to see how it manifests itself. my constant restlessness amazes me! what in the world am i all about? that i still believe that is a question worth asking amazes me! and yet i'm unwilling to yield to anything less me than "me". essentially that leaves me with me - and the birds that i love to watch, and the food that i love to grill, and the books that i love to read, and the places around the world that i love to explore. it's at once a very full and very empty place.

how long will it be before i believe that someone else is better company than me, alone? how long before i believe that the potential joy that a person brings me is worth the potential misery this person may bring me? there are so few relationships out there to admire and aspire to. there are so few relationships i see that i think would be more satisfying than my status-quo.

the cutest girl in the world

coy while her mother undoes her braids with a porcupine quill. the heat of the day. nothing much else can be done, that is understood. aaaahhhh. perfect way to complete my transisiton to vacation

baye fall

i wanted to do a happy pic. these are baye fall friends that i made. i'll post their origins later. summary: they fit into the structure of the muslim mouride brotherhood that dominates senegal, without all those pesky pillars of islam :). resourceful is an UNDERSTATEMENT. well, i suppose that is true for most senegalese. raw capitalism that would make a neocon blush.

dragging myself back....

....into the land of the gainfully employed. i loved my trip to senegal. i just find it easier and easier to be away and think of home less and less. i don't know what this means.

sure, i'm in a self-imposed purgatory at work. working from home separates me from society more and more but my "plans" keep me motivated. but that makes the purgatory analogy even more real. this limbo in some ways makes it harder to motivate myself - due to what i consider the transient nature of my existence: "oh, i'll do this and this what THAT changes". not healthy.

gasp! what a sad sack i am. but when i'm out there i find things that make me marvel. so now i get a burst that allows me to post some senegal pics. the western most bit of west africa. my sister margie lives in dakar. don't know that i could have done it without her as my host. no. i know i couldnt' have. i'll need some serious french coaching to ever do so solo.

i give a qualified endorsement to my photos. after getting home, working my pics and separating the wheat from the chaff, i realized how important time and place are when photographing. it's hard to get good morning shots (and be where one needs to be) when one is out till 4 am. but my photography was not the dominating goal of my trip, as it was in india. and so i have some lovely memories to go along with the shots that did end up in my "favorites" bucket. and i have 3 weeks with my sister. i hope you enjoy what you get. the posting will come soon.