a treasure recovered

i'm a big believer in simple pleasures. for years i found pleasure in cooking over a fire. i'd come home after work, light a small charcoal fire, and cook up my dinner on the back porch. one of the few losses i suffered when i moved to CA was the space in which to do this. but i'd noticed a small grill on the front fire escape...undisrupted...and figured i could do the same on my even wider back stoop. so after a very hot week in the bay area i was incented to find a way to cook my dinner and keep my kitchen cool.

i bought a portable grill and acquired a small second-hand table from a&b to make my set-up complete. a charcoal grill - to be clear- as this is the only self-respecting way to grill. i did a decent job stacking and lighting the coals considering how long it's been. the skewered shrimp and yellow squash were as good as i'd thought they would be and lo and behold it satisfied something deep inside of me. i was in the fresh air, blowing on the coals, looking out at lake merritt.

but just now it struck me: god i miss my backyard in new braunfels. it was a stunningly natural spot. birds en route to points south during the seasonal migrations found it attractive, the neighbor's roosters poked around back there, the slope to the house and railroad track below was covered with wild chili-pequeno and any other plant ready to grip the unwatered hill. oh my it was lovely.

well, something has been awakened in me. it will be interesting to see how it manifests itself. my constant restlessness amazes me! what in the world am i all about? that i still believe that is a question worth asking amazes me! and yet i'm unwilling to yield to anything less me than "me". essentially that leaves me with me - and the birds that i love to watch, and the food that i love to grill, and the books that i love to read, and the places around the world that i love to explore. it's at once a very full and very empty place.

how long will it be before i believe that someone else is better company than me, alone? how long before i believe that the potential joy that a person brings me is worth the potential misery this person may bring me? there are so few relationships out there to admire and aspire to. there are so few relationships i see that i think would be more satisfying than my status-quo.